Well, I was supposed to have a date this evening with the girl i met last weekend over a friendly tetris game; however due to work; she had to cancel on me. Possibly postponing until this weekend? While i’m still looking forward to a possible rematch; i’m still doing the swiping/clicking/liking of various carbon-based female humanoids to much of no avail. I had one match this week, but have not made plans to meet up yet; which is fine. I feel guilty having conversations with multiple interests at the same time; as i would hate to lead one on or ignore the other. I’m a firm believer in offering my undivided attention to one potential relationship. Probably why a multi-partner scenario has no interest to me. Hard enough to please one woman, why disappoint more than you have to? I’m a serial monogamist; playing the field is hard enough as it is, i’ll focus on the ball.

I don’t understand these games; waiting to text, witty banter, and missed signals i’m never going to catch. I was oblivious to a relationship that had come and gone before i even noticed; two people in close proximity to each other on a regular basis, and i wouldn’t give a second thought to them just existing in the same room. I can’t read those signals, and the body language between two people; i’m blind to it. If i were a primitive male in the early days; i would have been beaten senseless for approaching another males mate without even considering they were already a couple. Meeting people in an organic setting; when you have a conversation and begin to communicate; HOW besides looking for a wedding ring; do you politely inquire about someones attachment status? Which is more rude? just flat out asking? or just assuming if they’re communicative that they are not attached? Likewise; being a parent; i am deathly afraid of showing any interest in a girl who is potentially too young. I swear.. i have no gauge on how old people are. the whole half+seven rule is weird to me; at my current age; half+7 is 25. NO EFFING WAY. i’ll keep my age range within ±3 years. I think this is why subconsciously i don’t really look at women in public. I will patiently await the days of Logan’s Run, when everyone wears a life clock, and have a limited life expectancy.

I had a dream last night about the one i screwed up with; i dreamt she was mad at me, and also needed help, but wouldn’t talk to me. it was the worst feeling of passive aggressive guilt tripping i could have ever woken up to. I miss that girl still; and would drop everything if she just said something. But maybe thats the problem; i was TOO available; i focused too much energy on her, and didn’t play the game; i didn’t give her any reason to need/want me; i was just a fixture in her day. At least; thats how i felt. I’ve been trying to move on; but its hard to move on when everything reminds you of her. She still has a few of my personal belongings; and thats ok. I’ll live without them.

I’m approaching the complete end of the divorce; my attorney assures me we should be completely done by the end of May. At this point; all i’m waiting for is the dotted line to sign on. this is a life event that has been a long time coming; but i have mentally passed it by. I am ready for whatever is next.

The online dating scene has been a bit quiet for me the last week or so; no new likes or matches; so nothing really to report there. I had however met an interesting girl last weekend that was delightful to meet; even if she was bragging about her mario and tetris skills, but eventually got trounced.

I wasn’t even thinking i was going to get a number out of the experience, but before i left for the evening, she insisted that i get her number! I’m very much looking forward to getting together with her again, however i’m not exactly sure how this waiting game is supposed to be played. I got her number on saturday, and i texted her saturday; she was busy, then i texted her again on tuesday, and she was busy; but not like she was ignoring me; this is just one of those games i have NO idea how to play.

Why is it a game we’re thrown into when we’re interested in someone new. Games are dumb. I think if two people are mutually interested in one another, why can’t we just be honest and say “hi. i like the shape and proportion of your face, and would like to perform human activities with you, as another carbon based lifeform.” I’m not even concerned about the possibilities of mating at this point; i’m more interested in making new friends and other physical contact that doesn’t require the loss of clothing.

Another thing.. seriously. this one is irritating me. Again; i much more prefer OKC, and how data is presented about how likely i am to be compatible with another human being, seeing what their responses to questions as well as little details about how they see themselves. The data is quite helpful in determining what interest i have in a person, well beyond the superficiality of their pictures.

but here’s the problem; OKC gives you a daily email with people you will match with; and great, they are all 94–99% compatible; have similar tastes and interests, and would seem to have a complimentary set of values that would be beneficial to me. However, their current system of communication is lacking in any sort of way to breach the wall. If they don’t actively look at another profile, and ‘like’ it, then they have no way of knowing if that other member is interested in them. Messages are only shown to you if you both ‘like’ each other. So even if you think you’ve found a perfect match, or someone you’re interested; you have no way of getting their attention. This is where the disheartening aspect of the online dating scene comes into play. Its a numbers game, whereas you’re expected to swipe/like/click on everyone, and just hope that someone with value responds? This makes no sense. In the real world; if you like someone, you can smile, or wink, or put effort into creating a unique and memorable gift to get their attention, and let your intentions be known.

There should be a system established for those of us introverts who are afraid to make the first move, to let other humans know you have interest in them. like some strange science fiction future where you present another human being with a shiny stone (not a diamond) to begin the courtship ritual.

There’s nothing better than modern online dating to destroy anything left of your self confidence. The last few dates havebeen good; but never went anywhere; and i thought it was just the lack of chemistry, or just not being able to tell if they were into me or not.

Well, its not you.. its me. I thought i looked decent; i mean, at one point, i was married, and sired a child; so i couldn’t possibly be that unattractive to the opposite sex; and i get occasional matches on these hellish landscapes people use for dating nowadays. But those ‘matches’ don’t respond to messages; or just pretend it never happened. I’ve resorted to other options as well lately; looking for that certain demographic of girl, with similar interests; I posted a ‘looking’ request; completely honest; just looking for someone to meet and if we’ve got chemistry; sure, lets hang out on a regular basis, begin one of those human interactions that some people call a relationship.

I actually got a response. i checked out her posts and she sounded like a nice person, i’m curious. so i responded and we chatted a bit; she asked what i was looking for; and then bam. she asked for what i look like. i send a couple pictures.. and yep.. dead silence. *user not found*

i’m not even decent enough to warrant a ‘thanks-but-no-thanks’ response. so.. thanks for that. maybe i need a makeover.. or just someone to give me some suggestions on how to look more human. blah. gut punch to the dignity.

 

I’m not the kind of guy anyone wants to ‘date’. I am the kind of guy you settle down with. At least that’s what one girl told me a long time ago. Maybe it’s true, I am a creature of habit, I like to schedule and plan things out for the week ahead, I plan on what days to do laundry, when to do the chores, I keep a rigorous calendar; and enjoy the domestic arts; I love cooking, card/board games, getting up early to make coffee or breakfast; and want to know what I’ve got planned for the day. I don’t handle uncertainty well; so, when it comes down to ‘maybe‘ or ‘I’ll text you later‘ that fuzzy logic doesn’t really compute. If I hear a maybe I’m already making up scenarios as to what I think that maybe becomes a yes. If I think there’s a chance you’ll actually text me later, I get antsy when it doesn’t happen. I’m not saying I sit by the phone, and wait for it, but I’m easily swayed to disappointment when I’m left wondering why I wasn’t worth the commitment of time or effort to just say yes, or no. Maybes aren’t a yes, they’re more of a no, without having the guts to say no. I’ll let you know isn’t a yes either, it’s a ‘I can’t commit to saying No now, we’ll just have to wait until after the option is too late to just say ‘oh well’.

If it’s not a yes, or no, it’s somewhere in that grey area in between. If it’s not a fuck yes, then it’s a fuck no. I don’t want to hear a non-committed statement that leaves me waiting or wondering why or why not. Don’t say we should do things in the future, because I’ll put that option on my plans. “Oh! let’s go see that movie when it comes out! “.. “yeah! that would be great! “.. and then when the movie comes out, you’ve already made plans to see it with others, or just can’t make the time to go.

Do me a favor, just don’t get my hopes up. I should be used to getting let down, but I’m ever optimistic about what possibilities might be.

I want to make plans, with someone who wants to make plans. More importantly, I want to make plans with someone who wants to spend time with me. No more grey areas.

Using online dating apps seems ever futile; often a balance of managing expectations and hope that the other user will see your message/like/swipe..

It all seems useless; the overall data suggests i’m fighting an uphill battle against men far superior to me in many aspects; they have more money, less responsibilities, more abs (shut up.. i’m working on it), probably better facial hair, and those alpha good looks i am fairly sure i’m lacking.

I have had no success yet this week as far as meeting/connecting with anyone new; and even though i’m super picky about who i will approach on an app basis; i have had very little response to anything this week.

I’m not upset, i’m expecting to be disappointed. I’m not remissed to continue to try; I do feel deflated, and less enthusiastic about continuing the search for a better, better-half. Maybe i’m aiming too high; maybe i’m a 4 reaching for a 7; maybe i’m a 3 with an inflated 8 ego. the whole numbers game is dumb; but i really have no idea where i fall in this spectrum of attraction. I’ve been told i’m cute, or handsome; but its not like any woman has gone out of her way to comment on my looks, besides saying how nice of a beard i may happen to have. I have had the pleasure of being complemented of having a very soldierly like walk, and ‘look normal’ if that’s a thing.

I’m not fishing for compliments; but i would like an honest assessment of my appearance; and maybe a guide of what i should be doing to ‘appear’ more attractive.

I even went so far as to start using a daily facial scrub, and a moisturizer to hide the bloodshot and tired bags under my eyes; and try to assemble a color coordinated outfit and look somewhat put together by the time i leave the house in the morning. I know i’m not Quasimodo, but i’m not exactly the kind of guy women will say hi to if they so fancy. So i rely on what interactions i happen to get to have. Hopefully i come off as charming and witty? somewhat sarcastic and self deprecating, as this seems to have worked for me in the past?

I hate trying to pretend i’m cocky and confident; i know i’m not. I’m not an alpha, i’m a beta. but alphas are the buggy introductory software; and the betas are the ones that have finally got the bugs worked out. I’ve installed software and plugins to make me a more complete human operating system, i’ve got the Domestication 2.0 package; with the enhanced cooking package, laundry addon, and domestic chore efficiency upgrades. I’m not the high end gaming console with the flashy new games, i’m the stable console with great playability and dependability, with an extensive shelf life. I don’t need software updates to stay relevant.

I suppose the problem with my software, is that now i’m second hand software, with a void end-user license agreement, and additional files that must be required for usability. I come with extras. no one wants the extras.

On a departure of this thought; I have often thought of myself as a human being who is missing pages of the manual. Those pages that have the instructions for additional human behaviors have been removed from my manual, and i’ve been struggling to write down what commands i’ve been able to work out in the notes pages at the end of the book. I’m sure other people can understand my software just fine, and often they can find the button combinations to make me do what they want; but i have yet to find the konami code to enable the bonus features, or the cheat menu.

I feel like one of us needs to apologize; and I’m pretty sure its me. There wasn’t anything she did to upset me, or give me any reason to treat her in any different way. She doesn’t owe me any excuses, or any sort of reason for how things happened. Its my fault.

Its hard, when you think about someone all the time, and daydream about them; and would do almost anything for them; and then one day, someone tells you, just to give up on that idea.

You’re told to give up on the idea of what you’ve built up in your mind as perfection; its tough to come back down to reality and try to move on to something else. No one, and nothing else compares to what you felt with that one person. No matter how much you try to distance yourself emotionally from them; and try to fill your head with thoughts of someone else instead.

They’re still the one you compare everyone new to; they’re the one you still would rather be with.

My divorce is almost complete. what could be as soon as May 9th if all goes as planned; and after that; i’ll officially be back to being me. just me. lowly me. That part of me is over; that relationship was not what it could have been, and i’ve learned a lot about myself and what i want in another relationship.\

Even considering her faults; she is still the one i’d rather be with. I miss her. I miss daily chit-chats; i miss trying to give her a smile; i miss that smile.

I don’t even know if thats what she wants; i have just pulled myself back on what someone else told me to do, because i thought thats what she would have wanted.

She just has to say something… anything…

 

Well, this girl i met via Hinge; and throughout the last week, we’ve been texting and messaging back and forth, and had good conversations; and tonight we finally met up. I thought i’d try soemthing different tonight; and suggested we meet at a wine bar; which i honestly know nothing about wine, but i figured, maybe it’d be a unique way to meet up and see where things went.

I think i had drank too much coffee this evening, having left work and headed towards the neighborhood we were going to meet up in; i had enough time to stop into a comic book shop and buy a few novels that had been on my recent list; and then i was able to sit at a coffee shop nearby and get some work done before meeting up with her.

This was probably a mistake.. already having a full days worth of coffee in my system, and now to add alcohol to the mix; i was anxious, fidgety, and probably talked way to much. but i was in a good mood; so i hoped i was at least being somewhat entertaining?

I have had an extremely busy week so finally getting to a point where i could effectively relax, i still couldn’t calm my mind down enough to have a solid coherent conversation, not to mention every place we had gone, i could barely hear her; she was soft spoken, and i’m already going deaf. I interrupted her mid sentence more than once to ask her to repeat herself, and at some points could only make out portions of her conversation. i felt terrible about not being able to hear her completely, but i think i was able to at least make some sort of impression.

I need to find a quiet, impartial location to meet for these dates; i don’t care for loud bars; coffee shops sound more appropriate, but i’m pretty sure if i were to meet up and continue to consume coffee, i would probably come off as a coke addled tweaker.

I think we did actually have a good time, we laughed a bunch, and learned a bit about each other; but often i was at a loss for conversation starters; we have similar tastes in things, but i can never tell if i’m appealing or muddling through complete nonsense or showing just how out of touch i am…  at the end of the night; we hugged and went our separate ways; we’ll see where this one goes next… p

As i see it, the problem with modern dating, is that nothing feels organic, nothing feels true. Everyone is presenting an honest opinion of what they’d like others to see. No one is exposing their true self, or who they really feel they are. This may be more of an issue with modern society in general, as everyone filters their own lives through what can be seen and expressed through their social media accounts. We’re not all completely happy; and yet, we project this image of ourselves, an avatar, of what we think everyone should see of ourselves. In our online personas; we’re happy, cultured, fulfilled, and happy to be what we are in.

I feel apathetic when seeing those posts about how happy or grateful we are with things as they stand; and those of us still trying to put their lives back together after a divorce, death, or heartbreak, are often exposing ourselves to everyone; and are shamed, and ostracized for such displays of vulnerability.

I, honestly, hate modern dating in this aspect; you see the exact same profile over and over; “i like dogs, travel, wine, yoga, running”.. great. when everyone wants to do the same things, then no one does anything different. This doesn’t even consider the photos. Profiles have become repetitious displays of the same exact photo galleries; “look at me, i’m at the skydeck, reclining on the glass, without freaking out that i’m 95 floors up!,” “i go to the gym!,” “this is my dog,” and the obligatory washed out selfie where you can barely make out any facial features except for the heavily mascara-ed eyes, and the dark red lipstick in what appears to be an attempt to be artsy.

Why is it so hard, to make a connection with someone whom you genuinely have common interests, like sensibilities, and a mutual attraction in our every day lives; we are so afraid of complicating our habitual lives that we won’t even admit to ourselves, that we would take a risk for something that could be worthwhile.

I thought I had one of those organic relationships, when just having a random conversation about whether a 100 duck sized horses, or a horse sized duck would be a more worthy adversary; or what dramatic shift would occur in the next Marvel movie; or perhaps when someone needed cheering up, just sharing a funny gif, or picture would bring just as much joy to you, as you know they would have appreciated the gesture.

I was wrong; and i was being selfish in expecting anything more than what i was putting into the relationship to be expressed in return. I am not an alchemist, i am not a genius physicist able to generate more energy than what i was putting in. I do not regret the time, and energy i had invested in that person; but in hindsight, i should have seen the writing on the wall; i should have known that my efforts were fruitless and not doing anything to win affection from the one i held on such a pedestal. I spent weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds wondering what i’d done wrong, what i could have done differently, or why she didn’t respond the way i had hoped. I had, undoubtedly, invested way more energy than i was getting out.

A relationship isn’t supposed to be one sided; it isn’t’ supposed to be a struggle to get the other to appreciate you. A relationship is teamwork, working together to build something special. Its being dependent on each other, to know that the other person is there when you need them, or to know that there’s someone to help you when you need it. I’ve spent a lot of time, hoping someone would need me. Needing me for something other than being able to push pixels, or do the laundry; but just for being me. My personality is built upon being there to help; i love helping, doing favors, and expecting nothing in return. But at some point; i can no longer be there as a beast of burden; and as the Rolling Stones once sang;

I’ll never be your beast of burden
My back is broad but it’s a hurting
All I want is for you to make love to me
I’ll never be your beast of burden
I’ve walked for miles my feet are hurting
All I want, for you to make love to me

I’m done doing all of the work. i just want to feel like i’m needed for being me.

This blog is going to document my struggles and successes with dating; as a post-divorce, parent, nerd, non-alpha, socially-awkward, awkward silence, video gaming, tattooed, dork.

I’ll probably have some insite on the different dating applications i’ve experimented with, and probably won’t share any of the girl’s personal details; we’ll just refer to them by post names..

So far, i’ve tried them all, the OKCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Match, it doesn’t matter.. they’re all the same, with a slight difference in clientele.

One thing remains, i know what dragon i’m chasing; and unless that happiness finds me again, i’ll continue the search for the next ex-wife.

Last night, I went out with a girl I met via OKCupid. Her pictures were cute; she had a bright smile and everything else I was interested in; I should have known from the start that she wasn’t going to work out. Her profile was sparse; she had put in the least amount of effort into filling out the questionnaires; answering the bare minimum of the questions asked and providing just enough to make her seem like a normal human being.

She asked where I liked to hang out; and I suggested my usual hangout; which i was more than happy to agree to; since it is my usual bar; but she didn’t even make any effort to suggest another location; or make any inquiry as to what we were going to be doing for the evening.

Now; here’s where i give her some credit; she did warn me ahead of time that she was already tired; but insisted that she would come out for a drink. Great. i’m not going to force anyone to go do anything against their will; but i could have accepted the ‘i’m sorry, maybe another night, i’m really kinda tired’ defense.

Like a trooper; she showed up just when she said she would; after even checking in to make sure i was going to meet her. I let her know what i was wearing (standard issue Darth Vader Hoodie) and was sitting in a specific location at the bar.

Immediately, i was struck by how low energy she was. I asked if she was ok, or if she was just nervous about meeting a complete stranger; but no, she was totally comfortable meeting.. she just had NO energy. she seemed to just agree with everything i said; and didn’t offer any additional conversation. I couldn’t tell if I was making any sort of impression on her; as you see.. i have this weird thing, where i tend to score on the aspergers scale, and i have a REALLY hard time reading emotional, physical, and language cues in other people. So.. was this going well? I couldn’t tell. I had arrived at the bar at least a half hour before she did, and was treated to a few shots before hand, which i figured would give me just enough liquid courage to be my charming and goofy self without coming off as a complete weirdo.

After an hour of our interaction; she got up to use the bathroom, and one of the other patrons of the bar; asked if she was high, or if i had drugged her drink.. aghast, i said of course not; but he was afraid she was about to fall asleep or fall into a coma shortly thereafter.

She looked like her pictures; she just didn’t smile; she matched her profile; in that it provided little detail, less personality, and while if she had been a bit more activated; i would have been more interested; but she just wasn’t all there.

and so ends another date.