I still can’t sleep. And when you can’t sleep, you lay awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering what you did wrong to put you in the predicament you’re in. I lost one of my best friends, and one of the people i cared the most about. I would like to think i was in love with her, but i may have just been in love with the thought of her. She had everything i wanted in a girl. A great sense of humor, a nerdy fascination and deep well of referential knowledge, tidbits of information about random things; enough of an edge to keep you on your toes, and a passion for doing what she enjoyed. not to mention, she was, and still is the most beautiful woman i’ve ever known; both inside and out. but i fucked up. or at least i think i did.

but i’ll never know; if it was something i did, or something i said, or something i did when i shouldn’t have; or maybe it was just not the right time. Its not like it matters anymore; she’ll never read this; and i’ll never know what happened. I’m just supposed to bottle up those feelings i had for her, and put them on a shelf; never to open them back up. Meanwhile, i’m failing miserably at trying to put my finger on exactly what it was about her that i was so enamored with. There’s a certain flavor, that you just can’t name; i’d know it if i ever tasted it again, but i’m trying to replicate the memory through a fog.

I had spent the night with her once, just sleeping next to her, and it was the most restful i had felt in a long time. that warm fuzzy feeling i’ll never experience again, something i could really use right about now. Its been almost a month since i had an OK nights sleep; and a long time since i wasn’t woken up in the middle of the night for no reason other than to see once again that i couldn’t make it through the night.

I don’t know what i would do to be back in that place. of feeling comforted and trusted. I screwed it up, i just know it. but when you’ve done something wrong and no one tells you what it was, you become so afraid of doing anything else again, for fear of screwing up again. whatever that relationship was; it was gone without any sort of closure. just being told to walk away.

i never wanted to walk away, i could have been patient, if whatever it was had been communicated. if you just needed some time; thats fine, just tell me that.. if you needed to wait until my status was concrete; fine, just say so. but i was left in that gray area i just don’t handle well.

I miss her every day.

i need to get some sleep…

I’m just getting back into dating after a long relationship/marriage/divorce, and the current dating scene is horrendous. Sure, I’ve tried the dating sites that exist and the endless swiping that comes along with it, and the daily matches suggested, but honestly, it’s almost becoming not worth it. Every day I get suggestions on okcupid of who I might “click” with, and almost every one of them, I’ve “liked”. With NO reciprocated likes. Ive had bumble matches that never message, tinder matches that don’t respond, daily “bagels” that never respond, and whatever else. 

The entire modern app-centric dating system is rigged, or at least allows the shallow desires to skim the top of the water without actually breaching the surface. I feel like an ugly inhuman with every unsuccessful match. Where’s the incentive to continue looking for potential mates if it’s like throwing. Basketballs at a fence and seeing how many get through. 

I guess the analogy can be boiled down to a condom, it’s keeping thousands of potentials out of a one in a million chance. 

It’s hopeless. I am not terrible looking, I’m in decent shape, I’m a good person with a decent job, a loving daughter, and I’m still relatively young. So why do I feel like such a pariah?

I had a bumble match quite a few weeks ago; she had a simple profile; and cute pictures; and i was surprised she had swiped back on me. I woke up one morning to see the new match; and since bumble requires the match to make the first move (i definitely like that aspect); i responded as soon as she messaged me that morning.

What began with the typical ‘what do you do’ kind of talk; i made a joke about her profession which was listed as a pirate. She responded that it was more or less an office job; and i said the first thing that came to mind was the intro to the Monty Python’s Meaning of Life intro skit; which was the Crimson Permanent Assurance; a tale of swashbuckling old men in a bank fending off investment pirates and sailing their building to a New York to begin a hostile takeover of an American company. I didn’t think she’d get the reference, but remarkably, she did! She had the day off, and while i still had to work; we continued chatting throughout the day, discussing various things and keeping each other entertained. I asked her what she was up to for the day; and she mentioned later that day that she may be going out for a drink in the evening; at which point, i mentioned i was planning to do the same, and asked if she would like to get a drink with me. She agreed, and we agreed to meet at her preferred location, a bar/restaurant in her neighborhood where she felt comfortable to meet a stranger.

I arrived at the bar shortly before she did; and while i made myself comfortable and waited patiently for her to arrive; i played a dumb game on my phone; and ordered a beer.

She walked in and immediately reprimanded the bartender for suggesting she watch a depressing movie, and why he couldn’t have given her a heads-up on what the movie was actually about. I watched in awe as she had a fervent argument before she turned and said hi to me. She was pretty, cute, and looked exactly as her photos had suggested. We spent the next couple of hours talking, and learning things about each other; which was great, we had a great time.

Before we met that evening, i had told her, i was terrible at reading social cues and body language; at which point she said she was pretty bad at it too. We had agreed that if there was any interest in one another; we would express it verbally, so it was clear.

I told her i was having a wonderful time, and was enjoying our interaction, and expressed my interest. She agreed, and said she was also interested. YAY!

A little while later in the evening, we had gone out for a smoke together, and i expressed my desire to give her a kiss; at which point.. yeah… we did engage in a mutually enjoyable session of facial contact and saliva exchanges.

This happened a few more times throughout the evening; before it was time to go. At which point, i walked her back to her apartment (i try to be a gentleman) before heading home. I walked back to the train and texted her to tell her that i had a good time and look forward to the next time we could get together. We bantered back and forth for a few minutes as i got on the train. And then i realized i had got on the train heading in the wrong direction.

After reaching Howard, i turned back around, and headed home.. said goodnight and we made plans to get dinner the following Friday. We met for sushi, which she had never tried before; and then drinks after.

I had three successful dates with this girl; we had a great time each time; although she was apprehensive about my impending divorce status; i assured her i was interested, and would be done with the divorce soon. Kissing was as far as we got; nothing more, i don’t want to rush into anything, and i was happy with that.

One week of radio silence followed. Stuff had come up, family emergencies, and other things; and we talked a bit, and she said she’d let me know when she’d be available to get together again.

Two weeks more of radio silence. and the only word from her was “Sorry.”

that was the last i heard of her. I was sad, there was so much potential to that relationship; and she just walked away. Was it something i did? was it something i said? nothing. no closure. I wish her well; and I keep moving forward. on to the next challenge.

I’m comfortable in my own skin; i do what i want to do, and what i have to do; i know what i like, and i know who i am. but at the end of the day, it gets lonely. When was the last time you wanted to just have a nice relaxing morning to wake up, and curl up on the couch with another person, and just have coffee and enjoy that time together.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep in a few weeks now; on average i’m getting about 4 hours of sleep; and while this isn’t usually a problem for me, it begins to drain the soul when you spend so much of the night awake and staring at the ceiling. I often find myself holding a pillow trying to feel some semblance of a warm body to hold. another heartbeat to sync with, to feel comforted and fall back asleep next to.

This whole dating thing is a drag, when i would so much rather just skip through the dating process and go straight to the stage of the relationship when its no longer trying to get the other person to like and trust you, but that point when you can just depend on each other, someone to cook dinner for; doing laundry together, or doing the mundane tasks required of domestic life.

I have spent the last few years trying to do things for myself; and as much of an introvert i am who needs time to decompress and time alone; i really miss, not only the intimacy, but the silly conversations you’d have about how each others day was.

I have been trying hard to manage my expectations about potential dates. You don’t have to be perfect, just perfect to me. I have an idea in my head of who i’m looking for, but i don’t know if that person is looking for me.

recently i noticed my blog is getting more and more readers; and while i have no real way of knowing who is reading this thing; i’m pretty sure no one really cares what i’m writing about. they’re just enjoying the self deprecation and horrible prose.

I probably should describe more of those dating adventures i’d been on before… which i think i’ll get back to doing; rather than bitch and complain about being lonely and unwanted.

Well, I was supposed to have a date this evening with the girl i met last weekend over a friendly tetris game; however due to work; she had to cancel on me. Possibly postponing until this weekend? While i’m still looking forward to a possible rematch; i’m still doing the swiping/clicking/liking of various carbon-based female humanoids to much of no avail. I had one match this week, but have not made plans to meet up yet; which is fine. I feel guilty having conversations with multiple interests at the same time; as i would hate to lead one on or ignore the other. I’m a firm believer in offering my undivided attention to one potential relationship. Probably why a multi-partner scenario has no interest to me. Hard enough to please one woman, why disappoint more than you have to? I’m a serial monogamist; playing the field is hard enough as it is, i’ll focus on the ball.

I don’t understand these games; waiting to text, witty banter, and missed signals i’m never going to catch. I was oblivious to a relationship that had come and gone before i even noticed; two people in close proximity to each other on a regular basis, and i wouldn’t give a second thought to them just existing in the same room. I can’t read those signals, and the body language between two people; i’m blind to it. If i were a primitive male in the early days; i would have been beaten senseless for approaching another males mate without even considering they were already a couple. Meeting people in an organic setting; when you have a conversation and begin to communicate; HOW besides looking for a wedding ring; do you politely inquire about someones attachment status? Which is more rude? just flat out asking? or just assuming if they’re communicative that they are not attached? Likewise; being a parent; i am deathly afraid of showing any interest in a girl who is potentially too young. I swear.. i have no gauge on how old people are. the whole half+seven rule is weird to me; at my current age; half+7 is 25. NO EFFING WAY. i’ll keep my age range within ±3 years. I think this is why subconsciously i don’t really look at women in public. I will patiently await the days of Logan’s Run, when everyone wears a life clock, and have a limited life expectancy.

I had a dream last night about the one i screwed up with; i dreamt she was mad at me, and also needed help, but wouldn’t talk to me. it was the worst feeling of passive aggressive guilt tripping i could have ever woken up to. I miss that girl still; and would drop everything if she just said something. But maybe thats the problem; i was TOO available; i focused too much energy on her, and didn’t play the game; i didn’t give her any reason to need/want me; i was just a fixture in her day. At least; thats how i felt. I’ve been trying to move on; but its hard to move on when everything reminds you of her. She still has a few of my personal belongings; and thats ok. I’ll live without them.

I’m approaching the complete end of the divorce; my attorney assures me we should be completely done by the end of May. At this point; all i’m waiting for is the dotted line to sign on. this is a life event that has been a long time coming; but i have mentally passed it by. I am ready for whatever is next.

The online dating scene has been a bit quiet for me the last week or so; no new likes or matches; so nothing really to report there. I had however met an interesting girl last weekend that was delightful to meet; even if she was bragging about her mario and tetris skills, but eventually got trounced.

I wasn’t even thinking i was going to get a number out of the experience, but before i left for the evening, she insisted that i get her number! I’m very much looking forward to getting together with her again, however i’m not exactly sure how this waiting game is supposed to be played. I got her number on saturday, and i texted her saturday; she was busy, then i texted her again on tuesday, and she was busy; but not like she was ignoring me; this is just one of those games i have NO idea how to play.

Why is it a game we’re thrown into when we’re interested in someone new. Games are dumb. I think if two people are mutually interested in one another, why can’t we just be honest and say “hi. i like the shape and proportion of your face, and would like to perform human activities with you, as another carbon based lifeform.” I’m not even concerned about the possibilities of mating at this point; i’m more interested in making new friends and other physical contact that doesn’t require the loss of clothing.

Another thing.. seriously. this one is irritating me. Again; i much more prefer OKC, and how data is presented about how likely i am to be compatible with another human being, seeing what their responses to questions as well as little details about how they see themselves. The data is quite helpful in determining what interest i have in a person, well beyond the superficiality of their pictures.

but here’s the problem; OKC gives you a daily email with people you will match with; and great, they are all 94–99% compatible; have similar tastes and interests, and would seem to have a complimentary set of values that would be beneficial to me. However, their current system of communication is lacking in any sort of way to breach the wall. If they don’t actively look at another profile, and ‘like’ it, then they have no way of knowing if that other member is interested in them. Messages are only shown to you if you both ‘like’ each other. So even if you think you’ve found a perfect match, or someone you’re interested; you have no way of getting their attention. This is where the disheartening aspect of the online dating scene comes into play. Its a numbers game, whereas you’re expected to swipe/like/click on everyone, and just hope that someone with value responds? This makes no sense. In the real world; if you like someone, you can smile, or wink, or put effort into creating a unique and memorable gift to get their attention, and let your intentions be known.

There should be a system established for those of us introverts who are afraid to make the first move, to let other humans know you have interest in them. like some strange science fiction future where you present another human being with a shiny stone (not a diamond) to begin the courtship ritual.

There’s nothing better than modern online dating to destroy anything left of your self confidence. The last few dates havebeen good; but never went anywhere; and i thought it was just the lack of chemistry, or just not being able to tell if they were into me or not.

Well, its not you.. its me. I thought i looked decent; i mean, at one point, i was married, and sired a child; so i couldn’t possibly be that unattractive to the opposite sex; and i get occasional matches on these hellish landscapes people use for dating nowadays. But those ‘matches’ don’t respond to messages; or just pretend it never happened. I’ve resorted to other options as well lately; looking for that certain demographic of girl, with similar interests; I posted a ‘looking’ request; completely honest; just looking for someone to meet and if we’ve got chemistry; sure, lets hang out on a regular basis, begin one of those human interactions that some people call a relationship.

I actually got a response. i checked out her posts and she sounded like a nice person, i’m curious. so i responded and we chatted a bit; she asked what i was looking for; and then bam. she asked for what i look like. i send a couple pictures.. and yep.. dead silence. *user not found*

i’m not even decent enough to warrant a ‘thanks-but-no-thanks’ response. so.. thanks for that. maybe i need a makeover.. or just someone to give me some suggestions on how to look more human. blah. gut punch to the dignity.

 

I’m not the kind of guy anyone wants to ‘date’. I am the kind of guy you settle down with. At least that’s what one girl told me a long time ago. Maybe it’s true, I am a creature of habit, I like to schedule and plan things out for the week ahead, I plan on what days to do laundry, when to do the chores, I keep a rigorous calendar; and enjoy the domestic arts; I love cooking, card/board games, getting up early to make coffee or breakfast; and want to know what I’ve got planned for the day. I don’t handle uncertainty well; so, when it comes down to ‘maybe‘ or ‘I’ll text you later‘ that fuzzy logic doesn’t really compute. If I hear a maybe I’m already making up scenarios as to what I think that maybe becomes a yes. If I think there’s a chance you’ll actually text me later, I get antsy when it doesn’t happen. I’m not saying I sit by the phone, and wait for it, but I’m easily swayed to disappointment when I’m left wondering why I wasn’t worth the commitment of time or effort to just say yes, or no. Maybes aren’t a yes, they’re more of a no, without having the guts to say no. I’ll let you know isn’t a yes either, it’s a ‘I can’t commit to saying No now, we’ll just have to wait until after the option is too late to just say ‘oh well’.

If it’s not a yes, or no, it’s somewhere in that grey area in between. If it’s not a fuck yes, then it’s a fuck no. I don’t want to hear a non-committed statement that leaves me waiting or wondering why or why not. Don’t say we should do things in the future, because I’ll put that option on my plans. “Oh! let’s go see that movie when it comes out! “.. “yeah! that would be great! “.. and then when the movie comes out, you’ve already made plans to see it with others, or just can’t make the time to go.

Do me a favor, just don’t get my hopes up. I should be used to getting let down, but I’m ever optimistic about what possibilities might be.

I want to make plans, with someone who wants to make plans. More importantly, I want to make plans with someone who wants to spend time with me. No more grey areas.

Using online dating apps seems ever futile; often a balance of managing expectations and hope that the other user will see your message/like/swipe..

It all seems useless; the overall data suggests i’m fighting an uphill battle against men far superior to me in many aspects; they have more money, less responsibilities, more abs (shut up.. i’m working on it), probably better facial hair, and those alpha good looks i am fairly sure i’m lacking.

I have had no success yet this week as far as meeting/connecting with anyone new; and even though i’m super picky about who i will approach on an app basis; i have had very little response to anything this week.

I’m not upset, i’m expecting to be disappointed. I’m not remissed to continue to try; I do feel deflated, and less enthusiastic about continuing the search for a better, better-half. Maybe i’m aiming too high; maybe i’m a 4 reaching for a 7; maybe i’m a 3 with an inflated 8 ego. the whole numbers game is dumb; but i really have no idea where i fall in this spectrum of attraction. I’ve been told i’m cute, or handsome; but its not like any woman has gone out of her way to comment on my looks, besides saying how nice of a beard i may happen to have. I have had the pleasure of being complemented of having a very soldierly like walk, and ‘look normal’ if that’s a thing.

I’m not fishing for compliments; but i would like an honest assessment of my appearance; and maybe a guide of what i should be doing to ‘appear’ more attractive.

I even went so far as to start using a daily facial scrub, and a moisturizer to hide the bloodshot and tired bags under my eyes; and try to assemble a color coordinated outfit and look somewhat put together by the time i leave the house in the morning. I know i’m not Quasimodo, but i’m not exactly the kind of guy women will say hi to if they so fancy. So i rely on what interactions i happen to get to have. Hopefully i come off as charming and witty? somewhat sarcastic and self deprecating, as this seems to have worked for me in the past?

I hate trying to pretend i’m cocky and confident; i know i’m not. I’m not an alpha, i’m a beta. but alphas are the buggy introductory software; and the betas are the ones that have finally got the bugs worked out. I’ve installed software and plugins to make me a more complete human operating system, i’ve got the Domestication 2.0 package; with the enhanced cooking package, laundry addon, and domestic chore efficiency upgrades. I’m not the high end gaming console with the flashy new games, i’m the stable console with great playability and dependability, with an extensive shelf life. I don’t need software updates to stay relevant.

I suppose the problem with my software, is that now i’m second hand software, with a void end-user license agreement, and additional files that must be required for usability. I come with extras. no one wants the extras.

On a departure of this thought; I have often thought of myself as a human being who is missing pages of the manual. Those pages that have the instructions for additional human behaviors have been removed from my manual, and i’ve been struggling to write down what commands i’ve been able to work out in the notes pages at the end of the book. I’m sure other people can understand my software just fine, and often they can find the button combinations to make me do what they want; but i have yet to find the konami code to enable the bonus features, or the cheat menu.

I feel like one of us needs to apologize; and I’m pretty sure its me. There wasn’t anything she did to upset me, or give me any reason to treat her in any different way. She doesn’t owe me any excuses, or any sort of reason for how things happened. Its my fault.

Its hard, when you think about someone all the time, and daydream about them; and would do almost anything for them; and then one day, someone tells you, just to give up on that idea.

You’re told to give up on the idea of what you’ve built up in your mind as perfection; its tough to come back down to reality and try to move on to something else. No one, and nothing else compares to what you felt with that one person. No matter how much you try to distance yourself emotionally from them; and try to fill your head with thoughts of someone else instead.

They’re still the one you compare everyone new to; they’re the one you still would rather be with.

My divorce is almost complete. what could be as soon as May 9th if all goes as planned; and after that; i’ll officially be back to being me. just me. lowly me. That part of me is over; that relationship was not what it could have been, and i’ve learned a lot about myself and what i want in another relationship.\

Even considering her faults; she is still the one i’d rather be with. I miss her. I miss daily chit-chats; i miss trying to give her a smile; i miss that smile.

I don’t even know if thats what she wants; i have just pulled myself back on what someone else told me to do, because i thought thats what she would have wanted.

She just has to say something… anything…