Thor’s hammer can only be wielded by someone worthy; am i worthy enough for a relationship? after yesterdays post; i began to wonder and work through whether i thought i was ready for a relationship. If i’m ready for another human being to depend on me for empathy and sympathy, to depend on me to support them and help where needed. to offer myself unconditionally to another being in exchange for intimacy and their own offerings of intimacy, empathy, and sympathy. I don’t expect much from a significant other; aside from their desire to want to spend time with me, and not in a purely request for responsibility and relying on me to accomplish a task for them.
I have been troubled by the feeling of not being worthy, or good enough. I’ve been on quite a few dates in the recent weeks, all of which have lacked fruition. I have tried to put myself out there to meet new people; and in turn, they have left me to dwell upon my failures.
I had a date a few weeks ago with a woman who had her shit together; knew what she wanted to be doing, and seemed to be quite successful in doing so. I thought we had a good time together (i apparently have no idea what a good time actually is), we laughed, had a couple of drinks, and were comfortable spending a brief few hours together as we sipped our drinks and lamented the daily tribulations; and getting to know each other more. I”m not exactly sure at what point the evening turned; it may have been from the beginning, and she was just being polite as to not rush off to somewhere more important. I may have soiled my chances with her when i described a situation where i was troubled by a fairly racial transgression, and didn’t do anything to rectify the fault. Perhaps it was just me, not being worthy.
The red one, whom I still cannot seem to shake; has once again, rekindled my interest; offered promises of future activities, and still gives me good feelings. Maybe she’s read what i wrote, maybe not; maybe what i thought i had lost in her was still there, just restrained by responsibility or duty.
The girl i had met a few weekends ago over a hearty game of tetris; seems to have forgotten that i exist, and doesn’t really seem to show any interest in pursuing any contact with me; which is disheartening, as i thought we had hit it off and had acquired a certain bond. She’s cancelled a dinner date, and pushed off any chance of getting together in the near future.
This, coupled with my recent string of failures, [hold on a second, i’m going ot try to make an analogy i may not have completely correct] has me feeling like i’m batting a 0.100. I step up to the plate; and take a swing; and apparently i am either continuously fouling out, or i hit a grounder and am out after i hit first base.
Sports analogies are obviously not my strong suite; but my therapist had recognized what i had meant when i said i wasn’t batting a 0.400; and every time i seem to keep striking out. She laughed and said i had at least made a base hit, or am at least making contact with the ball.
I’m not looking to hit a home run. I’m just trying to not get stuck playing in the minor leagues for the rest of my life.
If i could hit one grand slam, and go down in the books with a record hit; maybe i’d feel worthy,