loss of a loved one.

I still can’t sleep. And when you can’t sleep, you lay awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering what you did wrong to put you in the predicament you’re in. I lost one of my best friends, and one of the people i cared the most about. I would like to think i was in love with her, but i may have just been in love with the thought of her. She had everything i wanted in a girl. A great sense of humor, a nerdy fascination and deep well of referential knowledge, tidbits of information about random things; enough of an edge to keep you on your toes, and a passion for doing what she enjoyed. not to mention, she was, and still is the most beautiful woman i’ve ever known; both inside and out. but i fucked up. or at least i think i did.

but i’ll never know; if it was something i did, or something i said, or something i did when i shouldn’t have; or maybe it was just not the right time. Its not like it matters anymore; she’ll never read this; and i’ll never know what happened. I’m just supposed to bottle up those feelings i had for her, and put them on a shelf; never to open them back up. Meanwhile, i’m failing miserably at trying to put my finger on exactly what it was about her that i was so enamored with. There’s a certain flavor, that you just can’t name; i’d know it if i ever tasted it again, but i’m trying to replicate the memory through a fog.

I had spent the night with her once, just sleeping next to her, and it was the most restful i had felt in a long time. that warm fuzzy feeling i’ll never experience again, something i could really use right about now. Its been almost a month since i had an OK nights sleep; and a long time since i wasn’t woken up in the middle of the night for no reason other than to see once again that i couldn’t make it through the night.

I don’t know what i would do to be back in that place. of feeling comforted and trusted. I screwed it up, i just know it. but when you’ve done something wrong and no one tells you what it was, you become so afraid of doing anything else again, for fear of screwing up again. whatever that relationship was; it was gone without any sort of closure. just being told to walk away.

i never wanted to walk away, i could have been patient, if whatever it was had been communicated. if you just needed some time; thats fine, just tell me that.. if you needed to wait until my status was concrete; fine, just say so. but i was left in that gray area i just don’t handle well.

I miss her every day.

i need to get some sleep…

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