Well, I was supposed to have a date this evening with the girl i met last weekend over a friendly tetris game; however due to work; she had to cancel on me. Possibly postponing until this weekend? While i’m still looking forward to a possible rematch; i’m still doing the swiping/clicking/liking of various carbon-based female humanoids to much of no avail. I had one match this week, but have not made plans to meet up yet; which is fine. I feel guilty having conversations with multiple interests at the same time; as i would hate to lead one on or ignore the other. I’m a firm believer in offering my undivided attention to one potential relationship. Probably why a multi-partner scenario has no interest to me. Hard enough to please one woman, why disappoint more than you have to? I’m a serial monogamist; playing the field is hard enough as it is, i’ll focus on the ball.
I don’t understand these games; waiting to text, witty banter, and missed signals i’m never going to catch. I was oblivious to a relationship that had come and gone before i even noticed; two people in close proximity to each other on a regular basis, and i wouldn’t give a second thought to them just existing in the same room. I can’t read those signals, and the body language between two people; i’m blind to it. If i were a primitive male in the early days; i would have been beaten senseless for approaching another males mate without even considering they were already a couple. Meeting people in an organic setting; when you have a conversation and begin to communicate; HOW besides looking for a wedding ring; do you politely inquire about someones attachment status? Which is more rude? just flat out asking? or just assuming if they’re communicative that they are not attached? Likewise; being a parent; i am deathly afraid of showing any interest in a girl who is potentially too young. I swear.. i have no gauge on how old people are. the whole half+seven rule is weird to me; at my current age; half+7 is 25. NO EFFING WAY. i’ll keep my age range within ±3 years. I think this is why subconsciously i don’t really look at women in public. I will patiently await the days of Logan’s Run, when everyone wears a life clock, and have a limited life expectancy.
I had a dream last night about the one i screwed up with; i dreamt she was mad at me, and also needed help, but wouldn’t talk to me. it was the worst feeling of passive aggressive guilt tripping i could have ever woken up to. I miss that girl still; and would drop everything if she just said something. But maybe thats the problem; i was TOO available; i focused too much energy on her, and didn’t play the game; i didn’t give her any reason to need/want me; i was just a fixture in her day. At least; thats how i felt. I’ve been trying to move on; but its hard to move on when everything reminds you of her. She still has a few of my personal belongings; and thats ok. I’ll live without them.
I’m approaching the complete end of the divorce; my attorney assures me we should be completely done by the end of May. At this point; all i’m waiting for is the dotted line to sign on. this is a life event that has been a long time coming; but i have mentally passed it by. I am ready for whatever is next.