A lesson in futility.

Using online dating apps seems ever futile; often a balance of managing expectations and hope that the other user will see your message/like/swipe..

It all seems useless; the overall data suggests i’m fighting an uphill battle against men far superior to me in many aspects; they have more money, less responsibilities, more abs (shut up.. i’m working on it), probably better facial hair, and those alpha good looks i am fairly sure i’m lacking.

I have had no success yet this week as far as meeting/connecting with anyone new; and even though i’m super picky about who i will approach on an app basis; i have had very little response to anything this week.

I’m not upset, i’m expecting to be disappointed. I’m not remissed to continue to try; I do feel deflated, and less enthusiastic about continuing the search for a better, better-half. Maybe i’m aiming too high; maybe i’m a 4 reaching for a 7; maybe i’m a 3 with an inflated 8 ego. the whole numbers game is dumb; but i really have no idea where i fall in this spectrum of attraction. I’ve been told i’m cute, or handsome; but its not like any woman has gone out of her way to comment on my looks, besides saying how nice of a beard i may happen to have. I have had the pleasure of being complemented of having a very soldierly like walk, and ‘look normal’ if that’s a thing.

I’m not fishing for compliments; but i would like an honest assessment of my appearance; and maybe a guide of what i should be doing to ‘appear’ more attractive.

I even went so far as to start using a daily facial scrub, and a moisturizer to hide the bloodshot and tired bags under my eyes; and try to assemble a color coordinated outfit and look somewhat put together by the time i leave the house in the morning. I know i’m not Quasimodo, but i’m not exactly the kind of guy women will say hi to if they so fancy. So i rely on what interactions i happen to get to have. Hopefully i come off as charming and witty? somewhat sarcastic and self deprecating, as this seems to have worked for me in the past?

I hate trying to pretend i’m cocky and confident; i know i’m not. I’m not an alpha, i’m a beta. but alphas are the buggy introductory software; and the betas are the ones that have finally got the bugs worked out. I’ve installed software and plugins to make me a more complete human operating system, i’ve got the Domestication 2.0 package; with the enhanced cooking package, laundry addon, and domestic chore efficiency upgrades. I’m not the high end gaming console with the flashy new games, i’m the stable console with great playability and dependability, with an extensive shelf life. I don’t need software updates to stay relevant.

I suppose the problem with my software, is that now i’m second hand software, with a void end-user license agreement, and additional files that must be required for usability. I come with extras. no one wants the extras.

On a departure of this thought; I have often thought of myself as a human being who is missing pages of the manual. Those pages that have the instructions for additional human behaviors have been removed from my manual, and i’ve been struggling to write down what commands i’ve been able to work out in the notes pages at the end of the book. I’m sure other people can understand my software just fine, and often they can find the button combinations to make me do what they want; but i have yet to find the konami code to enable the bonus features, or the cheat menu.

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