As i see it, the problem with modern dating, is that nothing feels organic, nothing feels true. Everyone is presenting an honest opinion of what they’d like others to see. No one is exposing their true self, or who they really feel they are. This may be more of an issue with modern society in general, as everyone filters their own lives through what can be seen and expressed through their social media accounts. We’re not all completely happy; and yet, we project this image of ourselves, an avatar, of what we think everyone should see of ourselves. In our online personas; we’re happy, cultured, fulfilled, and happy to be what we are in.
I feel apathetic when seeing those posts about how happy or grateful we are with things as they stand; and those of us still trying to put their lives back together after a divorce, death, or heartbreak, are often exposing ourselves to everyone; and are shamed, and ostracized for such displays of vulnerability.
I, honestly, hate modern dating in this aspect; you see the exact same profile over and over; “i like dogs, travel, wine, yoga, running”.. great. when everyone wants to do the same things, then no one does anything different. This doesn’t even consider the photos. Profiles have become repetitious displays of the same exact photo galleries; “look at me, i’m at the skydeck, reclining on the glass, without freaking out that i’m 95 floors up!,” “i go to the gym!,” “this is my dog,” and the obligatory washed out selfie where you can barely make out any facial features except for the heavily mascara-ed eyes, and the dark red lipstick in what appears to be an attempt to be artsy.
Why is it so hard, to make a connection with someone whom you genuinely have common interests, like sensibilities, and a mutual attraction in our every day lives; we are so afraid of complicating our habitual lives that we won’t even admit to ourselves, that we would take a risk for something that could be worthwhile.
I thought I had one of those organic relationships, when just having a random conversation about whether a 100 duck sized horses, or a horse sized duck would be a more worthy adversary; or what dramatic shift would occur in the next Marvel movie; or perhaps when someone needed cheering up, just sharing a funny gif, or picture would bring just as much joy to you, as you know they would have appreciated the gesture.
I was wrong; and i was being selfish in expecting anything more than what i was putting into the relationship to be expressed in return. I am not an alchemist, i am not a genius physicist able to generate more energy than what i was putting in. I do not regret the time, and energy i had invested in that person; but in hindsight, i should have seen the writing on the wall; i should have known that my efforts were fruitless and not doing anything to win affection from the one i held on such a pedestal. I spent weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds wondering what i’d done wrong, what i could have done differently, or why she didn’t respond the way i had hoped. I had, undoubtedly, invested way more energy than i was getting out.
A relationship isn’t supposed to be one sided; it isn’t’ supposed to be a struggle to get the other to appreciate you. A relationship is teamwork, working together to build something special. Its being dependent on each other, to know that the other person is there when you need them, or to know that there’s someone to help you when you need it. I’ve spent a lot of time, hoping someone would need me. Needing me for something other than being able to push pixels, or do the laundry; but just for being me. My personality is built upon being there to help; i love helping, doing favors, and expecting nothing in return. But at some point; i can no longer be there as a beast of burden; and as the Rolling Stones once sang;
I’ll never be your beast of burden
My back is broad but it’s a hurting
All I want is for you to make love to me
I’ll never be your beast of burden
I’ve walked for miles my feet are hurting
All I want, for you to make love to me
I’m done doing all of the work. i just want to feel like i’m needed for being me.