So, I recently met a new girl through Bumble; and my attention was perked immediately; though we matched sunday evening, by early monday morning she had crafted a thoughful and curious message; mentioning how she had learned what Klaatu Barada Nikto had meant and a few other things that she had gleaned from my recent instagram posts. It obviously wasn’t a thoughtless swipe on her part; i must have had something that stood out to her.
We met for drinks monday evening after work, and almost immediately hit it off; we discussed lots of our common interests, troubles, and pasts; i challenged her to a game of tetris (just to test her skill), and she did pretty well; able to keep up with me for a dozen levels or so.. i still won. i don’t LET people win.. they have to earn it.
She is definitely a long term possibility at this point (granted, we’ve only seen each other twice), she’s kind, funny, cute, fascinated by my nerdy interests and curious to know more; so when i go off on a tangent about what marvel movies she has to have seen before Infinity War, she was actually interested in what i had to say; and what my suggestions were. We discussed comics, television, briefly discussed music, and greatly enjoyed each others company. After the bar, we took a walk, enjoying each others company for a while longer.
Tuesday night, we met up after an appointment to venture out to a bar trivia night; since the night before she had mentioned that was something she was interested in doing. I love trivia; so i was definitely game. it was a little rocky through round two, (a music round) in which we were both comically out of our element. All in all, another great time was had while attempting to hold our own at a bar trivia event neither of us had prepared for.

side note.. i really should learn more about pop music…

Things have been up and down lately; no recent hits on the dating apps; and a few good nights here and there. And another cycle brought around full circle. Me and this girl have been back and forth with being chatty and flirty; a series of good times, and also a series of dry periods where she seems to go completely cold on me. and yet; i still allow myself to get wrapped back up in thoughts of her. Things had gone back to a fun upbeat state; and i thought we were doing ok. But after the last week, again, i feel like i don’t register anywhere in particular on her radar. She doesn’t introduce me to friends as a friend, but as her designer; and although the time we hang is fun; i’m pushed aside for something else. which i cannot understand.

time and time again, i let myself back into a groove, and then when it gets rough, i have no one else to blame but myself. I put myself out there, and get burned, or scarred, and apparently i’m an idiot who doesn’t learn not to touch the red flames. but the flames are pretty.. and look so warm and friendly..

I’m not in a good place this week; i’m cranky and despondent, and almost feel like i could vanish from site and no one would notice. I know, i know.. there’s always my daughter that would miss me; but when was the last time someone called me up to do something, and not just because they needed something; or when was the last time someone reached out to contact me via a message to say hi, whats up; instead of asking me for work. hard to imagine feeling good about myself, when i don’t feel valued as a person; only as a machine punching buttons.

I keep finding myself screaming hateful obsceneties in my head at random strangers for their slow ascent up the escalators (IT’S NOT A FUCKING RIDE. KEEP STEPPIN), slow walkers on the street who change direction on a whim without considering whose path they be crossing, the selfish person who immediately checks their phone as soon as they exit the train, or people who stand with doe eyes when passengers are trying to enter or exit the transport, but are unable to because of your dumb oversized backpack.

i’m a hateful asshole this week. and really am in the mood to just tell everyone to go fuck off.

When its been a long productive day; there’s nothing more that i’d look forward to doing than sharing aspects of my day or laughing about what idiotic thing i may have done or said with another human being; and even more so when that other person can reassure me that it wasn’t as bad as i had thought, and that all of the bad things that i had thought were nothing more than just that, thoughts.

Modern dating is more than just discouraging, its down right depressing. You’re shown all of the other lonely people out there, the glamour shots, the shameless selfies, the gym uniforms, the touristy stuff; and the obligatory shot of snuggling with a pet.

But when you’ve spent enough time swiping, liking, and clicking those individuals you think are within reach, and your actions fall upon death ears; your left discontent and wondering if the entire system is rigged towards those more attractive and better off than yourself. I am almost for certain, i fall amongst the populous of people that don’t indiscriminately swipe or click yes on every profile hoping for a match. I take more caution and thought into my approach; and wonder if there is any difference between a ‘like’ from me, or the other applicant. Would there be any benefit to a weighted system, that favors a more selective choice such as myself instead of casting a wide net hoping to catch a bite? I have numerous criteria i hope to see in a profile before i begin to consider casting my ballot; over-make-up’d selfies are an instant turn off; groups photos where you cannot figure out who is the primary objective; photos of half a head in dim light in an attempt to be mysterious. And don’t even get my started on the aberrant use of the ‘blue steel’ gaze and and various fowl species attempting to be portrayed by the duckface genres. Once i’ve been presented with a good idea of what you look like in 1.) your daily presentation, 2.) a night out, 3.) your morning makeup-less self; and/or 4.) looking like you’re actually enjoying yourself in your surroundings. If i make it this far, then i look forward to reading the bio, to determine a few other characteristics about you before i swipe. I look for humor, admitting to some deeper nerdiness, or perhaps just that there’s some underlying fact that gives me some idea that you’re intelligent and aren’t filling your brain with the instagram accounts of what the kardashians ate for lunch. I think i’ve got every right to be at least a little bit picky; i mean, i know what i DON’T want, and am at least pretty sure of what i’m looking for on a superficial app presentation of a woman.

its getting late, i’m getting drunk, and i should be heading home.

tomorrow brings a new day of challenges, and more of the same waiting and wanting.

Aside from a girl in Ukraine who desperately wanted to get to know me this past week; not much else has occurred.

I matched with a girl, who Hinge said lived nearby; so i accepted the request, and said hi, as i usually do. She took a day to respond, but once she did, she flooded me with questions about what i was doing professionally, and what i was looking for in a girl; while not completely strange, most of this information was available on my profile; so she obviously didn’t read it.

I asked what part of Chicago she was in, and her only response was that she is not yet in Chicago, but hopes to move here soon.. umm.. but.. you’re not here now? so whats the point of seeking a mate on the far side of the world without being anywhere in proximity to get to know that person more?

after i un-matched her, a few days later she had requested another match; which this time, i wasn’t falling for it. Sorry, i’m not going to be your green card spouse.

After a busy week last week; and cranking out another freelance project; someone made a promise to attend a movie with me; under normal circumstances, i wouldn’t hold her to it, but she assured me that she’s in; this is the same girl who had previously made promises, and or tentatively had made plans but was unable to ever fulfill them. I’m anxiously awaiting this get together, but without expecting anything other than enjoying a movie together. Its not a late show, so maybe we’ll hang out afterwards; but i won’t be upset if we don’t. Coincidentally, i have Friday off of work, so i have no real reason to go home; i’m leaving myself open to the possibility something may happen, but i’m not getting myself too excited.

I’m officially in the home stretch of the divorce; my lawyer contacted me today suggesting we may have a final deal and would be able to have this all completed before the end of the month. to close that one chapter of my life and move onto the next is ever becoming a possibility. I’m ready for whatever is next.

Yeah, maybe i over-thought the entire situation; and maybe i overthink everything; maybe all of these thoughts i should just keep in my head; and not let them loose upon the world. I habitually overthink everything. I am constantly second guessing every statement i make, every action i incur, and whatever consequence comes from it; i go off into my own little multiverse to see which choices lead away in each direction.

Like Dr. Strange; running through the thousands of possibilities; this is how my brain works on a daily basis. there is no situation i do not second guess what has transpired. I will send an innocuous email just letting the client know what the status of a project is; and as soon as i’ve hit the send button i wonder if it was at all necessary for me to have sent the email too soon? Did i express the right information, will they know what i meant? will my statements come back misinterpreted?

I’m not ashamed of how i process information; or how i run through my events. I own it, but this same habit keeps me awake at night. Without given solid information, i am left conjecturing and trying to extrapolate information that i probably will never get. so if at any point you think to yourself “jeebus… can this guy just SHUT IT DOWN?” or maybe you’re thinking “holy shit.. this guy is a god damn mess”, or perhaps, “wow.. nutzo.. ” I cannot shut it down, i am a mess, and yeah, a little crazy. Who wants normal?

I’m not looking to fill a void, and i’m not looking for someone to fix me. I feel like sometimes i’m falling apart, and all i really need is the human version of scotch tape to hold me together for a little while so i don’t completely break up.

Thor’s hammer can only be wielded by someone worthy; am i worthy enough for a relationship? after yesterdays post; i began to wonder and work through whether i thought i was ready for a relationship. If i’m ready for another human being to depend on me for empathy and sympathy, to depend on me to support them and help where needed. to offer myself unconditionally to another being in exchange for intimacy and their own offerings of intimacy, empathy, and sympathy. I don’t expect much from a significant other; aside from their desire to want to spend time with me, and not in a purely request for responsibility and relying on me to accomplish a task for them.

I have been troubled by the feeling of not being worthy, or good enough. I’ve been on quite a few dates in the recent weeks, all of which have lacked fruition. I have tried to put myself out there to meet new people; and in turn, they have left me to dwell upon my failures.

I had a date a few weeks ago with a woman who had her shit together; knew what she wanted to be doing, and seemed to be quite successful in doing so. I thought we had a good time together (i apparently have no idea what a good time actually is), we laughed, had a couple of drinks, and were comfortable spending a brief few hours together as we sipped our drinks and lamented the daily tribulations; and getting to know each other more. I”m not exactly sure at what point the evening turned; it may have been from the beginning, and she was just being polite as to not rush off to somewhere more important. I may have soiled my chances with her when i described a situation where i was troubled by a fairly racial transgression, and didn’t do anything to rectify the fault. Perhaps it was just me, not being worthy.

The red one, whom I still cannot seem to shake; has once again, rekindled my interest; offered promises of future activities, and still gives me good feelings. Maybe she’s read what i wrote, maybe not; maybe what i thought i had lost in her was still there, just restrained by responsibility or duty.

The girl i had met a few weekends ago over a hearty game of tetris; seems to have forgotten that i exist, and doesn’t really seem to show any interest in pursuing any contact with me; which is disheartening, as i thought we had hit it off and had acquired a certain bond. She’s cancelled a dinner date, and pushed off any chance of getting together in the near future.

This, coupled with my recent string of failures, [hold on a second, i’m going ot try to make an analogy i may not have completely correct] has me feeling like i’m batting a 0.100. I step up to the plate; and take a swing; and apparently i am either continuously fouling out, or i hit a grounder and am out after i hit first base.

Sports analogies are obviously not my strong suite; but my therapist had recognized what i had meant when i said i wasn’t batting a 0.400; and every time i seem to keep striking out. She laughed and said i had at least made a base hit, or am at least making contact with the ball.

I’m not looking to hit a home run. I’m just trying to not get stuck playing in the minor leagues for the rest of my life.

If i could hit one grand slam, and go down in the books with a record hit; maybe i’d feel worthy,

I still can’t sleep. And when you can’t sleep, you lay awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering what you did wrong to put you in the predicament you’re in. I lost one of my best friends, and one of the people i cared the most about. I would like to think i was in love with her, but i may have just been in love with the thought of her. She had everything i wanted in a girl. A great sense of humor, a nerdy fascination and deep well of referential knowledge, tidbits of information about random things; enough of an edge to keep you on your toes, and a passion for doing what she enjoyed. not to mention, she was, and still is the most beautiful woman i’ve ever known; both inside and out. but i fucked up. or at least i think i did.

but i’ll never know; if it was something i did, or something i said, or something i did when i shouldn’t have; or maybe it was just not the right time. Its not like it matters anymore; she’ll never read this; and i’ll never know what happened. I’m just supposed to bottle up those feelings i had for her, and put them on a shelf; never to open them back up. Meanwhile, i’m failing miserably at trying to put my finger on exactly what it was about her that i was so enamored with. There’s a certain flavor, that you just can’t name; i’d know it if i ever tasted it again, but i’m trying to replicate the memory through a fog.

I had spent the night with her once, just sleeping next to her, and it was the most restful i had felt in a long time. that warm fuzzy feeling i’ll never experience again, something i could really use right about now. Its been almost a month since i had an OK nights sleep; and a long time since i wasn’t woken up in the middle of the night for no reason other than to see once again that i couldn’t make it through the night.

I don’t know what i would do to be back in that place. of feeling comforted and trusted. I screwed it up, i just know it. but when you’ve done something wrong and no one tells you what it was, you become so afraid of doing anything else again, for fear of screwing up again. whatever that relationship was; it was gone without any sort of closure. just being told to walk away.

i never wanted to walk away, i could have been patient, if whatever it was had been communicated. if you just needed some time; thats fine, just tell me that.. if you needed to wait until my status was concrete; fine, just say so. but i was left in that gray area i just don’t handle well.

I miss her every day.

i need to get some sleep…

I’m just getting back into dating after a long relationship/marriage/divorce, and the current dating scene is horrendous. Sure, I’ve tried the dating sites that exist and the endless swiping that comes along with it, and the daily matches suggested, but honestly, it’s almost becoming not worth it. Every day I get suggestions on okcupid of who I might “click” with, and almost every one of them, I’ve “liked”. With NO reciprocated likes. Ive had bumble matches that never message, tinder matches that don’t respond, daily “bagels” that never respond, and whatever else. 

The entire modern app-centric dating system is rigged, or at least allows the shallow desires to skim the top of the water without actually breaching the surface. I feel like an ugly inhuman with every unsuccessful match. Where’s the incentive to continue looking for potential mates if it’s like throwing. Basketballs at a fence and seeing how many get through. 

I guess the analogy can be boiled down to a condom, it’s keeping thousands of potentials out of a one in a million chance. 

It’s hopeless. I am not terrible looking, I’m in decent shape, I’m a good person with a decent job, a loving daughter, and I’m still relatively young. So why do I feel like such a pariah?

I had a bumble match quite a few weeks ago; she had a simple profile; and cute pictures; and i was surprised she had swiped back on me. I woke up one morning to see the new match; and since bumble requires the match to make the first move (i definitely like that aspect); i responded as soon as she messaged me that morning.

What began with the typical ‘what do you do’ kind of talk; i made a joke about her profession which was listed as a pirate. She responded that it was more or less an office job; and i said the first thing that came to mind was the intro to the Monty Python’s Meaning of Life intro skit; which was the Crimson Permanent Assurance; a tale of swashbuckling old men in a bank fending off investment pirates and sailing their building to a New York to begin a hostile takeover of an American company. I didn’t think she’d get the reference, but remarkably, she did! She had the day off, and while i still had to work; we continued chatting throughout the day, discussing various things and keeping each other entertained. I asked her what she was up to for the day; and she mentioned later that day that she may be going out for a drink in the evening; at which point, i mentioned i was planning to do the same, and asked if she would like to get a drink with me. She agreed, and we agreed to meet at her preferred location, a bar/restaurant in her neighborhood where she felt comfortable to meet a stranger.

I arrived at the bar shortly before she did; and while i made myself comfortable and waited patiently for her to arrive; i played a dumb game on my phone; and ordered a beer.

She walked in and immediately reprimanded the bartender for suggesting she watch a depressing movie, and why he couldn’t have given her a heads-up on what the movie was actually about. I watched in awe as she had a fervent argument before she turned and said hi to me. She was pretty, cute, and looked exactly as her photos had suggested. We spent the next couple of hours talking, and learning things about each other; which was great, we had a great time.

Before we met that evening, i had told her, i was terrible at reading social cues and body language; at which point she said she was pretty bad at it too. We had agreed that if there was any interest in one another; we would express it verbally, so it was clear.

I told her i was having a wonderful time, and was enjoying our interaction, and expressed my interest. She agreed, and said she was also interested. YAY!

A little while later in the evening, we had gone out for a smoke together, and i expressed my desire to give her a kiss; at which point.. yeah… we did engage in a mutually enjoyable session of facial contact and saliva exchanges.

This happened a few more times throughout the evening; before it was time to go. At which point, i walked her back to her apartment (i try to be a gentleman) before heading home. I walked back to the train and texted her to tell her that i had a good time and look forward to the next time we could get together. We bantered back and forth for a few minutes as i got on the train. And then i realized i had got on the train heading in the wrong direction.

After reaching Howard, i turned back around, and headed home.. said goodnight and we made plans to get dinner the following Friday. We met for sushi, which she had never tried before; and then drinks after.

I had three successful dates with this girl; we had a great time each time; although she was apprehensive about my impending divorce status; i assured her i was interested, and would be done with the divorce soon. Kissing was as far as we got; nothing more, i don’t want to rush into anything, and i was happy with that.

One week of radio silence followed. Stuff had come up, family emergencies, and other things; and we talked a bit, and she said she’d let me know when she’d be available to get together again.

Two weeks more of radio silence. and the only word from her was “Sorry.”

that was the last i heard of her. I was sad, there was so much potential to that relationship; and she just walked away. Was it something i did? was it something i said? nothing. no closure. I wish her well; and I keep moving forward. on to the next challenge.

I’m comfortable in my own skin; i do what i want to do, and what i have to do; i know what i like, and i know who i am. but at the end of the day, it gets lonely. When was the last time you wanted to just have a nice relaxing morning to wake up, and curl up on the couch with another person, and just have coffee and enjoy that time together.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep in a few weeks now; on average i’m getting about 4 hours of sleep; and while this isn’t usually a problem for me, it begins to drain the soul when you spend so much of the night awake and staring at the ceiling. I often find myself holding a pillow trying to feel some semblance of a warm body to hold. another heartbeat to sync with, to feel comforted and fall back asleep next to.

This whole dating thing is a drag, when i would so much rather just skip through the dating process and go straight to the stage of the relationship when its no longer trying to get the other person to like and trust you, but that point when you can just depend on each other, someone to cook dinner for; doing laundry together, or doing the mundane tasks required of domestic life.

I have spent the last few years trying to do things for myself; and as much of an introvert i am who needs time to decompress and time alone; i really miss, not only the intimacy, but the silly conversations you’d have about how each others day was.

I have been trying hard to manage my expectations about potential dates. You don’t have to be perfect, just perfect to me. I have an idea in my head of who i’m looking for, but i don’t know if that person is looking for me.

recently i noticed my blog is getting more and more readers; and while i have no real way of knowing who is reading this thing; i’m pretty sure no one really cares what i’m writing about. they’re just enjoying the self deprecation and horrible prose.

I probably should describe more of those dating adventures i’d been on before… which i think i’ll get back to doing; rather than bitch and complain about being lonely and unwanted.