When its been a long productive day; there’s nothing more that i’d look forward to doing than sharing aspects of my day or laughing about what idiotic thing i may have done or said with another human being; and even more so when that other person can reassure me that it wasn’t as bad as i had thought, and that all of the bad things that i had thought were nothing more than just that, thoughts.

Modern dating is more than just discouraging, its down right depressing. You’re shown all of the other lonely people out there, the glamour shots, the shameless selfies, the gym uniforms, the touristy stuff; and the obligatory shot of snuggling with a pet.

But when you’ve spent enough time swiping, liking, and clicking those individuals you think are within reach, and your actions fall upon death ears; your left discontent and wondering if the entire system is rigged towards those more attractive and better off than yourself. I am almost for certain, i fall amongst the populous of people that don’t indiscriminately swipe or click yes on every profile hoping for a match. I take more caution and thought into my approach; and wonder if there is any difference between a ‘like’ from me, or the other applicant. Would there be any benefit to a weighted system, that favors a more selective choice such as myself instead of casting a wide net hoping to catch a bite? I have numerous criteria i hope to see in a profile before i begin to consider casting my ballot; over-make-up’d selfies are an instant turn off; groups photos where you cannot figure out who is the primary objective; photos of half a head in dim light in an attempt to be mysterious. And don’t even get my started on the aberrant use of the ‘blue steel’ gaze and and various fowl species attempting to be portrayed by the duckface genres. Once i’ve been presented with a good idea of what you look like in 1.) your daily presentation, 2.) a night out, 3.) your morning makeup-less self; and/or 4.) looking like you’re actually enjoying yourself in your surroundings. If i make it this far, then i look forward to reading the bio, to determine a few other characteristics about you before i swipe. I look for humor, admitting to some deeper nerdiness, or perhaps just that there’s some underlying fact that gives me some idea that you’re intelligent and aren’t filling your brain with the instagram accounts of what the kardashians ate for lunch. I think i’ve got every right to be at least a little bit picky; i mean, i know what i DON’T want, and am at least pretty sure of what i’m looking for on a superficial app presentation of a woman.

its getting late, i’m getting drunk, and i should be heading home.

tomorrow brings a new day of challenges, and more of the same waiting and wanting.

Aside from a girl in Ukraine who desperately wanted to get to know me this past week; not much else has occurred.

I matched with a girl, who Hinge said lived nearby; so i accepted the request, and said hi, as i usually do. She took a day to respond, but once she did, she flooded me with questions about what i was doing professionally, and what i was looking for in a girl; while not completely strange, most of this information was available on my profile; so she obviously didn’t read it.

I asked what part of Chicago she was in, and her only response was that she is not yet in Chicago, but hopes to move here soon.. umm.. but.. you’re not here now? so whats the point of seeking a mate on the far side of the world without being anywhere in proximity to get to know that person more?

after i un-matched her, a few days later she had requested another match; which this time, i wasn’t falling for it. Sorry, i’m not going to be your green card spouse.

After a busy week last week; and cranking out another freelance project; someone made a promise to attend a movie with me; under normal circumstances, i wouldn’t hold her to it, but she assured me that she’s in; this is the same girl who had previously made promises, and or tentatively had made plans but was unable to ever fulfill them. I’m anxiously awaiting this get together, but without expecting anything other than enjoying a movie together. Its not a late show, so maybe we’ll hang out afterwards; but i won’t be upset if we don’t. Coincidentally, i have Friday off of work, so i have no real reason to go home; i’m leaving myself open to the possibility something may happen, but i’m not getting myself too excited.

I’m officially in the home stretch of the divorce; my lawyer contacted me today suggesting we may have a final deal and would be able to have this all completed before the end of the month. to close that one chapter of my life and move onto the next is ever becoming a possibility. I’m ready for whatever is next.

Yeah, maybe i over-thought the entire situation; and maybe i overthink everything; maybe all of these thoughts i should just keep in my head; and not let them loose upon the world. I habitually overthink everything. I am constantly second guessing every statement i make, every action i incur, and whatever consequence comes from it; i go off into my own little multiverse to see which choices lead away in each direction.

Like Dr. Strange; running through the thousands of possibilities; this is how my brain works on a daily basis. there is no situation i do not second guess what has transpired. I will send an innocuous email just letting the client know what the status of a project is; and as soon as i’ve hit the send button i wonder if it was at all necessary for me to have sent the email too soon? Did i express the right information, will they know what i meant? will my statements come back misinterpreted?

I’m not ashamed of how i process information; or how i run through my events. I own it, but this same habit keeps me awake at night. Without given solid information, i am left conjecturing and trying to extrapolate information that i probably will never get. so if at any point you think to yourself “jeebus… can this guy just SHUT IT DOWN?” or maybe you’re thinking “holy shit.. this guy is a god damn mess”, or perhaps, “wow.. nutzo.. ” I cannot shut it down, i am a mess, and yeah, a little crazy. Who wants normal?

I’m not looking to fill a void, and i’m not looking for someone to fix me. I feel like sometimes i’m falling apart, and all i really need is the human version of scotch tape to hold me together for a little while so i don’t completely break up.

Thor’s hammer can only be wielded by someone worthy; am i worthy enough for a relationship? after yesterdays post; i began to wonder and work through whether i thought i was ready for a relationship. If i’m ready for another human being to depend on me for empathy and sympathy, to depend on me to support them and help where needed. to offer myself unconditionally to another being in exchange for intimacy and their own offerings of intimacy, empathy, and sympathy. I don’t expect much from a significant other; aside from their desire to want to spend time with me, and not in a purely request for responsibility and relying on me to accomplish a task for them.

I have been troubled by the feeling of not being worthy, or good enough. I’ve been on quite a few dates in the recent weeks, all of which have lacked fruition. I have tried to put myself out there to meet new people; and in turn, they have left me to dwell upon my failures.

I had a date a few weeks ago with a woman who had her shit together; knew what she wanted to be doing, and seemed to be quite successful in doing so. I thought we had a good time together (i apparently have no idea what a good time actually is), we laughed, had a couple of drinks, and were comfortable spending a brief few hours together as we sipped our drinks and lamented the daily tribulations; and getting to know each other more. I”m not exactly sure at what point the evening turned; it may have been from the beginning, and she was just being polite as to not rush off to somewhere more important. I may have soiled my chances with her when i described a situation where i was troubled by a fairly racial transgression, and didn’t do anything to rectify the fault. Perhaps it was just me, not being worthy.

The red one, whom I still cannot seem to shake; has once again, rekindled my interest; offered promises of future activities, and still gives me good feelings. Maybe she’s read what i wrote, maybe not; maybe what i thought i had lost in her was still there, just restrained by responsibility or duty.

The girl i had met a few weekends ago over a hearty game of tetris; seems to have forgotten that i exist, and doesn’t really seem to show any interest in pursuing any contact with me; which is disheartening, as i thought we had hit it off and had acquired a certain bond. She’s cancelled a dinner date, and pushed off any chance of getting together in the near future.

This, coupled with my recent string of failures, [hold on a second, i’m going ot try to make an analogy i may not have completely correct] has me feeling like i’m batting a 0.100. I step up to the plate; and take a swing; and apparently i am either continuously fouling out, or i hit a grounder and am out after i hit first base.

Sports analogies are obviously not my strong suite; but my therapist had recognized what i had meant when i said i wasn’t batting a 0.400; and every time i seem to keep striking out. She laughed and said i had at least made a base hit, or am at least making contact with the ball.

I’m not looking to hit a home run. I’m just trying to not get stuck playing in the minor leagues for the rest of my life.

If i could hit one grand slam, and go down in the books with a record hit; maybe i’d feel worthy,

I still can’t sleep. And when you can’t sleep, you lay awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering what you did wrong to put you in the predicament you’re in. I lost one of my best friends, and one of the people i cared the most about. I would like to think i was in love with her, but i may have just been in love with the thought of her. She had everything i wanted in a girl. A great sense of humor, a nerdy fascination and deep well of referential knowledge, tidbits of information about random things; enough of an edge to keep you on your toes, and a passion for doing what she enjoyed. not to mention, she was, and still is the most beautiful woman i’ve ever known; both inside and out. but i fucked up. or at least i think i did.

but i’ll never know; if it was something i did, or something i said, or something i did when i shouldn’t have; or maybe it was just not the right time. Its not like it matters anymore; she’ll never read this; and i’ll never know what happened. I’m just supposed to bottle up those feelings i had for her, and put them on a shelf; never to open them back up. Meanwhile, i’m failing miserably at trying to put my finger on exactly what it was about her that i was so enamored with. There’s a certain flavor, that you just can’t name; i’d know it if i ever tasted it again, but i’m trying to replicate the memory through a fog.

I had spent the night with her once, just sleeping next to her, and it was the most restful i had felt in a long time. that warm fuzzy feeling i’ll never experience again, something i could really use right about now. Its been almost a month since i had an OK nights sleep; and a long time since i wasn’t woken up in the middle of the night for no reason other than to see once again that i couldn’t make it through the night.

I don’t know what i would do to be back in that place. of feeling comforted and trusted. I screwed it up, i just know it. but when you’ve done something wrong and no one tells you what it was, you become so afraid of doing anything else again, for fear of screwing up again. whatever that relationship was; it was gone without any sort of closure. just being told to walk away.

i never wanted to walk away, i could have been patient, if whatever it was had been communicated. if you just needed some time; thats fine, just tell me that.. if you needed to wait until my status was concrete; fine, just say so. but i was left in that gray area i just don’t handle well.

I miss her every day.

i need to get some sleep…

I’m comfortable in my own skin; i do what i want to do, and what i have to do; i know what i like, and i know who i am. but at the end of the day, it gets lonely. When was the last time you wanted to just have a nice relaxing morning to wake up, and curl up on the couch with another person, and just have coffee and enjoy that time together.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep in a few weeks now; on average i’m getting about 4 hours of sleep; and while this isn’t usually a problem for me, it begins to drain the soul when you spend so much of the night awake and staring at the ceiling. I often find myself holding a pillow trying to feel some semblance of a warm body to hold. another heartbeat to sync with, to feel comforted and fall back asleep next to.

This whole dating thing is a drag, when i would so much rather just skip through the dating process and go straight to the stage of the relationship when its no longer trying to get the other person to like and trust you, but that point when you can just depend on each other, someone to cook dinner for; doing laundry together, or doing the mundane tasks required of domestic life.

I have spent the last few years trying to do things for myself; and as much of an introvert i am who needs time to decompress and time alone; i really miss, not only the intimacy, but the silly conversations you’d have about how each others day was.

I have been trying hard to manage my expectations about potential dates. You don’t have to be perfect, just perfect to me. I have an idea in my head of who i’m looking for, but i don’t know if that person is looking for me.

recently i noticed my blog is getting more and more readers; and while i have no real way of knowing who is reading this thing; i’m pretty sure no one really cares what i’m writing about. they’re just enjoying the self deprecation and horrible prose.

I probably should describe more of those dating adventures i’d been on before… which i think i’ll get back to doing; rather than bitch and complain about being lonely and unwanted.